Toga! Toga!

During a recent rambling conversation with my running buddy Lisa, she mentioned that she feels runners have a secret club that bonds them together.  She also mentioned that she doesn't feel included in this club because she came late to the party (ie: started running as an adult).  Of course, I insisted this isn't true at all...runners are awesome and open-minded and accepting of anyone.  Right??

Hmmmm, maybe.  But as I continued to chew on this tidbit long after our run together ended, I decided that she is more right than I would like to admit.  Runners do have some sort of inner community that bonds them together.  Similar to a fraternity; kinda like Kappa Kappa Runsalot.  I can see it now...

To be considered for membership in KKR, you must have completed a 5K.  Now, please be aware that finishing a 5K in no way means that you will be selected.  See, here at KKR, we feel running a 5K is easy.  Something you do before breakfast, in fact.  And if you wore the race t-shirt to the race, you are most definitely OUT.

Once you have completed the 5K benchmark, we will evaluate your daily runs.  Please don't feel any pressure, but if you are wearing winter clothes for a run in 40° weather, you can go ahead and head home.  And make sure you get plenty of distance when blowing snot rockets, as each little bit will be noted and scored appropriately! 

Now that recruitment is over and the pledges have been chosen, we need to explain our hierarchical ranking system.  Of course, our senior members are a select few hard-core ultra runners.  They include those that have lost toenails, peed in the woods, bled from the nipples, and otherwise given it all in pursuit of the finish.  They have 1% or less body fat and their resting heart rate is 12 beats per minute.  Please treat them with reverence: let them go first through the buffet line (although that inevitably means there will be nothing left for you) and don't say things like "why would you want to run that far?"   Because if you have to ask, you'll never understand.

Next comes our junior members.  They are social and probably won't mind if you join them for a run...but keep in mind that no matter how easy they make it look, you likely will not be able to finish.  After all, they have been running for years and have become quite the experts.  No, no, they don't need GPS, silly; just give them a Timex and they'll know exactly how far they've gone.  They know how many ounces they need to drink during a run and the optimal stride to propel themselves up a long incline.  They know what words like 'fartlek' mean and think running with music makes you weak.  And please don't call their hydration belts fanny packs...it just makes them irritated.

KKR's sophomore class is our most competitive class to date.  Yes, they have finished lots of races...and they don't mind telling you all about it.  I mean, have YOU finished a 10K in Arizona in the middle of August with no water while wearing a black shirt and fighting off a rattlesnake????  They didn't think so.  Oh, and they PRed, by the way.  But since their shoes melted, they bought this really expensive pair that they would love to show you.  They have matching clothes and every running accessory known to man (salt tablets? check.  runner's lube? check.  sweat wicking underwear? check.)  Prefontaine is their hero and Oregon, their Mecca.  They love to run intervals and to go really, really fast.  But don't let them intimidate you, after all, the farthest they've ever run is 7 miles.

So that leaves us with you: the pledges.  Only time will tell what kind of runners you will be, and trust us, we will be watching closely.  What about me, you ask?  Well, let's just say that I'm only here because I am a runner's legacy, and there's nothing we love more at KKR than a good bit of nepotism...

A founding member of KKR, who also happens to be my father.  Pay no attention to the creepy park ranger in the background.