The State of the Neurocracy is Strong

Happy New Year!!  While most families' New Years Day traditions include watching football and eating sauerkraut, we Esbers like to ensure that the first day of the new year is devoted to showing our true colors.  For Patrick, this is nerdiness.  For me, it is disorganization and the ability to spaz like a champ.  We accomplish this by our annual tradition: The Esber Family State of the Financial Union Address. 

The Esber Family State of the Financial Union Address is our yearly sit down where Patrick shows me all of the financial ins and outs of the past year.  This includes a detailed breakdown of our income, our saving, and our spending.  But to stop there would just be a family meeting...and this isn't a meeting, it's an Esber State of the Financial Union Address.  So we also get things like this:

And the distinctly different this:

 

Obviously I have removed any and all personal information here...so I'll leave you to guess what exactly I'm spending 5% of my household income on (hint: they're furry and eat a lot).

Now, it does take commitment to incorporate some graphs into this 10 slide Powerpoint presentation.  But Patrick's nerdiness is more than commitment, it's dedication.  And thoroughness.  And an equal opportunity to all types of graphs.  So we also have bar AND line graphs for your viewing pleasure.       

 

And because this is my blog and I can share my grievances here, Patrick likes to do a little "accounting trick" (as he calls it) and not count the money we have in the our house towards our net worth...which would be fair if he also did not count the balance of our remaining mortgage against our net worth as well.  Hence the big drop in the line graph that looks like we're going to the poor house.  Rant over.

Oh, and there are spreadsheets.  Spreadsheets as far as the eye can see.  So many as a matter of fact that I just attempted to copy/paste/edit them and I gave up because they are too numerous in number and are overwhelming this non-engineer.  Unlike Patrick, I do not derive my power from them and tend to get confused with all the cells and the equations and the mathmatification.  If you are interested in seeing them, I'm sure Patrick would be more than proud to show them off.  Just make sure you have at least 6291036728 gb of ram on your computer before he sends that Excel file your way.

For the conclusion of the Address, we set our goals for the upcoming year and review whether we achieved our goals from the previous year.  Here's a highlight reel of the 'best of' our respective goals for the past few years: 

So this list of goals should show you that my mind is not typically on our finances, which 364 days of the year is perfectly fine by me.  I mean, Patrick does a great job; it's clear he has an interest in it; and I have yet to be sent to collections for an unpaid bill...so if the system's not broke, don't fix it.  Right???

Well, that one day of the year that I happen to be interested is New Years Day.  And it's not because the beauty of Patrick's graphs and spreadsheets have awakened some deep-seated love of numbers.  No, it's because 364 days a year I am blissfully unaware of how expensive life is...and then, boom.  It hits me smack in the face.  In nicely color coded graphs.  It goes a little something like this:

Patrick (very calmly): So we spent $WXYZ on groceries this year...

Kelsey (not so calmly): WHAT?!?!?!?  WHAT THE HECK ARE WE EATING?!?!  That's it, we are having Ramen Noodles once a week, every week.  And you can FORGET about ever having fresh squeezed orange juice EVER AGAIN!  AGHHHHH!!!   

P (interrupting my tirade): ...and $ABCD on gas...

K (starting to ugly cry):  ON GAS?!?!???  FOR THE CARS???  Okay, I am riding my bike to work twice a week and I will limit unnecessary trips out of the house.  You will start waking up at 4 a.m. so you don't have to sit in rush hour traffic.  And if you wanted to bike a little too, that would be good.  I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS...I thought I was being so "green"...WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!?!  Mother Earth, will you ever forgive me???? 

P (getting annoyed): ...and $QRSTU on bills.  

K (writhing on the floor, in full denial):  NOOOOOOOOOO...WHAT THE HECK IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???  Did you know that the trash service cost that much?!!?!?  No more, NO MORE!!  I will personally burn the trash in the backyard.  And we will use rainwater for showers and I will wash our clothes in the creek.  And why is the thermostat set at 65 degrees...TURN IT DOWN BEFORE WE HAVE TO FILL THE PROPANE TANK AGAIN!!  FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, TURN IT DOWN I SAID!!

P (fully annoyed, skeptical, and sarcastic):  The person who can't walk outside to dump the compost is now going to be in charge of burning our trash?  Get a grip, these are basic living expenses Kelsey.

So, there you have it.  A typical New Years Day at the Esber household.  I am determined that this year, I will make my goals a little bit more mature and adult-ish.  Maybe I could even make a goal to pay more attention to the finances.  But I think Patrick would be very happy if my goals looked something like this...